.The last full week in January 2018 has been deemed "The Blame Game: Black Women Edition."
From the reprise of the John Grey's clip, "Be Delivered from the Spirit of Girlfriend," to two Black male music artist Black female bashing, Black women can't get a break.
In videos that have resurfaced on social media: Kevin McCall and J. Holiday gave us a piece of their mind on Black women:
Kevin McCall stated:
"The issue in the Black community right now is a dating issue and a parenting issue, specifically for Black women because my mother was a Black woman...Women, y'all need to stop putting this white man and this job before yourself, before your destiny, before your children. And then you wonder why ni**as can't really rock with you like that cause you trying to do our job."
And J. Holiday had this to say:
“So apparently, the Black man is still losing to the women. I get it. No disrespect. I was raised by a woman. I have two older sisters. I have absolute, all respect for Black women. But with that being said, understand this, man. Black men, African American men, men from the hood, we go through everything to make sure that who we care about are taken care of. We don’t swing our dicks around. We don’t do all this bullsh*t to be seen. I could be that n*gga over here f*cking n*ggas up. I know a whole lot of b*tch a** n*ggas that sing that I could call they a** the f*ck out. But I don’t. And understand this, I got daughters, man.Cardi, Beyoncé, SZA all y’all muthaf*ckas stop using that f*cking pain to make it ok to say some f*ck sh*t on your record and get nominated for a Grammy for going through some bullsh*t cuz so have I as a Black muthaf*cking man.”
I'm not sure what satisfaction some Black men get out of telling Black women everything they feel is "wrong" with the Black woman. I think deep down inside some Black men are displacing their insecurities on us. Black women are the most abundant group obtaining college degrees and the fastest growing group to start businesses. We are winning, some of us without a man present and that hurts the ego of some Black men who then suddenly become relationship experts who then, blame Black women for everything wrong in Black love. Most of their arguments are futile that stems from abused egos that have suffered years without an outlet.
Black men pride themselves on being strong, but many of them equate that with not showing emotion, often referring to a Black man who does as a "b*tch a** n*gga". The lack of emotion and the hypermasculinity breeds unresolved issues which are deflected on to the Black women. I pray that Black men begin to uncover truths about themselves and their feelings and learn how to deal with the issues of powerlessness imposed on them by a racist and oppressive society. Only then, can they heal from centuries of pain, become accountable, and move forward toward growth and love.
One man, in particular, can attest to the healing powers of therapy and understand the pain of Black women:
Until these Black female bashing, pseudo-psychologist, relationship experts get it together, just gain insight and advice from Kanye West:
And I always find, yeah,
I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Everyone of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can
- Kayne West on "Run Away"
When you are faced with a misogynistic, emotionally damaged Black Man who wants to impose his deep-rooted issues on you, run away!
That's how I felt this morning after I saw a clip of John Gray telling women that when they carry themselves like wives, then a man will find them.
I respect John Gray as a pastor and a man of God but I'm fed up with men, especially Black men, giving their (unsolicited) opinion to women in a way that puts burdens of shame on single women.
For the past few years, Black men have become self-proclaimed experts on relationships. Tyrese, Rev Run, Steve Harvey, etc. have made money off of the vulnerability of the Black woman's desire to be loved romantically.
Humans are relational. We were made to connect with others and thrive as a collective. And because of our human nature, we want to share our lives with others, particularly a life partner. Yet, statistically, Black women have one of the highest percentages of being unwed.
According to Black Demographics, Black women were more likely to be married than white women until about 1970. During the 1970s, when Black women finally were able to get proper assistance from the government, provisions in welfare laws offered more economic incentives for single mothers. Two-parent families who had a man working a low-wage job were often penalized and received up to 20% less assistance than single mothers. The economic incentives for single moms created cohabitation because marriage would result in a substantial loss of aid to the family. The rise of cohabiting households caused a decline in marriage in the Black community and damaged the connection between Black men and Black women. Since then, Black women have been "Waiting to Exhale" longing to breathe in a world where Black love manifest.
In the midst of our pain, so-called relationship experts were birth. These emotional predators profited from emotionally abused Black women. They had us thinking their opinions were the answers to finding and keeping a man.
We have been told to fit a certain criteria in order to be married. We have been told that we need to cook, clean, be polished, be a lady, cover up, be sexy, not be promiscuous, be a freak in the bed, don't be angry in order to be loved. A list of do's and don'ts were our answer to being in a committed relationship. But how many relationships have flourished from these list?
When Jay-Z's released 4:44, a lot of women commended him for being transparent about his infidelity and being vulnerable to publicly apologize to his wife, Beyonce. I think so many women applauded Jay-Z because he didn't blame Beyonce (or Becky with the good hair) for his infidelity. He admitted his faults and strived to do better. He did everything in his power to make his marriage better. As women, we are tired of getting blamed for the lack of Black love. Jay-Z, in a sense, told men to be accountable, do better, and be better for Black women.
Black women have been the most emotionally battered group in the world. Since slavery, we have been told that everything is wrong with us, from the way we look to how we act. As of late, it has been us, the Sisterhood, to encourage each other and shower each other with love. And maybe that's where the love starts. Not from men but from ourselves and from God. We need to drown out the pseudo-gurus and love on each other like never before. We are enough NOW, as is, before we learn how to cook, before we wait 90 days to have sex, before we get rid of the "girlfriend" spirit and before we (fill in the blank). Yes, we all have room to grow and be better, but because we do (or don't do) something does not mean we are not worthy of love. We are worthy of love NOW.