"The Point of It All" - Porsche

Why the hell am I here? Black people don't go to counseling!

If it wasn't for my mentor suggesting that my fiancé and I go to premartial counseling, my ass would be getting my wine and snacks together for Shondaland Thursday. But I'm here, because I respect my mentor and her point-of-view and I know that it is best for my fiancé and me to be equipped for marriage by learning healthy problem solving skills and efficient ways of communicating.

This session is not like the rest because I'm here by myself. The counselor thought it would be a good idea for us to have individual sessions as well... #EYEROLL! So I'm sitting on this plush brown leather couch trying to talk myself into showing interest and "unvailing myself" to the therapist; so far it's not working...

"You seem agitated, Porsche. Is there something that you want to discuss?" Dr. Brinson asked.

"Well I am, Doc. I'm not sure why you suggested that Vic and I have individual counseling. I mean, we came here for premartial counseling. How does having individual sessions help toward that?"

"Well, Porsche, I felt like you were being reserved in the couple sessions. You only scratched the surface when we discussed your upbringing. In order for me to assist you and Victor in effective communication and healthy conflict resolution, we need to uncover the layers and get down to the core essence of who you are."

At this point, I show my frustration by rolling my eyes. Reserved? Who does she think she is? She doesn't know me; she better get her life!

Dr. Brinson continues, "In order for these sessions to be effective, you and Victor have to expose yourselves to each other. You have to make yourself vulnerable in order for him to understand why you think the way that you think and do the things that you do."

"Vulnerable? NEVER THAT!"

"Why won't you let yourself be vulnerable, Porsche?"

"Because I am a STRONG BLACK WOMEN!"

By the time the words came out of my mouth, I realized that I probably shouldn't have said them. Out of all of the stereotypical things to say, that statement took the cake. Yes, I am a strong black women but for me to say it makes me seem hostile. When someone hears a black woman say that, what do they think? She's angry! She's Bitter! She's supernaturally indestructible! A black women who sees herself as strong is depicted in the media as a women who as a chip on her shoulder thus causing her to want or need for nothing. I'm not angry nor am I freakishly indefatigable; I have just been through a lot which has built me to be Ford Tough.

"From the couple sessions, I can see that you are resilient and have accomplished a lot. But I want to help you and Victor have the best marriage you can possibly have. The only way I can do that is if I create a safe space for you and him to be open with each other and share the good, bad, and ugly about one another to one another. I can tell that you are not a fan of counseling but I want to reassure you that this will help your marriage. I have done many premartial counseling sessions and they have helped couples tremendously."

When Dr. Brinson says this, it calms me down. I really do love Vic and want us to have a happy and healthy marriage. I don't want to be the cause as to why these sessions are not effective because I'm not giving my all. *Sigh*

"Dr. Brinson, I have just been through a lot which causes me to be very protective of my heart." I say this to her so she doesn't see me as the stereotypical angry black woman.

Dr. Brinson takes the glasses off her salt and pepper hair and puts them over her soft, dark brown eyes. For a second, she reminded me of my mother - beautiful dark brown skin with soft eyes and a warm heart. One thing that I love about my mom is her compassionate spirit, something that people omit to see in black women.

She picks up her pen and notebook and begins writing. "You said that you have been through a lot. Is there anything specific that you want to share with me to help me understand what you mean by that?"

"Well, my mom and dad have been loving towards me and supported me in the best way that they could. They didn't have much but always made sure I had what I needed. You know, they named me Porsche because they wanted to have one even though they couldn't afford the actually car." I chuckle, remembering when my father told me why I was named after the luxury car. "Even though they tried their best, they couldn't protect me from the harsh realities that a black woman in America have to face."

"When you say harsh realities, to what are you referring?" Dr. Brinson asks.

"You know, the standard: racism, sexism, and classism." I didn't mean to be super deep but she did say that she wanted to me to be open and honest.

She writes in her notebook. "Ok, you said racism, sexism, and classism. Which one do you want to speak about first?"

When Dr. Brinson ask me this, I think of bell hooks quote in Talking Back: Thinking Feminist, Thinking Black, "It is not that Black women have not been and are not strong; it is simply that this is only a part of our story, a dimension, just as the suffering is another dimension— one that has been most unnoticed and unattended to." For once in my life, I'm asked about the struggles in my life. Everyone sees the magna cum laude graduate from a prestigious Ivy League university and the accomplishments that I have obtained at the marketing firm but no one sees or every cares to ask about the pain that I endured to get me to where I am today.

"I guess we can start with racism, " I say nonchalantly. It's not that racism supersedes the others but I experienced racism before I ever even knew what sexism and classism was. At an early age, I knew racism existed because people of other races refused to see the black race as human and treat us with respect solely because of the color of our skin.

Growing up, I was protected by my benevolent childhood innocence but that all changed the day I went to an ice cream parlor when I was eight years old...